Letter to the Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C.

(Submitted by a potential pig farmer)
Dear Sir:


My friend Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. Therefore I want to go into the "Not Raising Hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure I approach this project while keeping in line with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Yorkshires, but if that isn’t a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Durocs or Razorbacks.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.

My friend Peterson is very excited about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for 20 years or so and the best he ever made on them was $628 in 1982, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which should mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford one of those new Dodge Ram 4 wheel drive pickups.

Now another thing. These hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising the corn that won’t be needed to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "Not Milking Cows" business too, so please send any information you have on that program.

In view of these circumstances, you understand I will be totally unemployed and will need to file for unemployment and food stamps. Please let me know when you plan to distribute free cheese and flour in this area.

Be assured that you and Bill Clinton will get my vote in the coming election.


Patriotically yours,

Joe Schmoe

LOL...Thats crazy.