Former WordPerfect customer support dialog

Operator: “Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

Operator: “What sort of trouble??”

Caller: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

Operator: “Went away?”

Caller: “They disappeared.”

Operator: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

Caller: “Nothing.”

Operator: “Nothing?”

Caller: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

Operator: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

Caller: “How do I tell?”

Operator: “Can you see the ‘C: prompt’ on the screen?”

Caller: “What’s a sea-prompt?”

Operator: “Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”

Caller: “There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

Operator: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

Caller: “What’s a monitor?”

Operator: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

Caller: “I don’t know.”

Operator: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

Caller: “Yes, I think so.”

Operator: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.

Caller: “Yes, it is.”

Operator: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

Caller: “No.”

Operator: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

Caller: “Okay, here it is.”

Operator: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

Caller: “I can’t reach.”

Operator: “OK. Well, can you see if it is?”

Caller: “No.”

Operator: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

Caller: “Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle, it’s because it’s dark.”

Operator: “Dark?”

Caller: “Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

Operator: “Well, turn on the office light then.”

Caller: “I can’t.”

Operator: “No? Why not?”

Caller: “Because there’s a power failure.”

Operator: “A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?”

Caller: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

Operator: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

Caller: “Really? Is it that bad?”

Operator: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

Caller: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

Operator: “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer!”