Bought the wife a Taser.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...Huh

WAY TOO COOL!!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button...... Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND' pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inch long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy, teeny triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...Huh I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip**censored**,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD....... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION ........ WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser.... one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-B!TCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I crappied myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was coming from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!!

I Could Read That Every Day And Laugh My Ass Off, Thanks Buddy I Needed That Laugh.

Yep,,good read right there buddy.LOlOL

Did it hurt?

wow

That sounds like an Arlington moment to me, and you are a brave man to buy that for the wife, better stay on her good side or you might get an instant replay. lmbo

LMBO...That story never gets too old to read....

I need one of those to taser those sharks I catch...

She really does have a can of POLICE ISSUE MACE,and has threatened me with it,I stay on her happy side.

Hahaha thats a perty funny right there

Well let squirt YOU with that stuff,if aint funny.

I was maced accidentally...It burns and you cant see or breathe.

I got gassed in basic training years agto,cs gas aint much fun either.

Its just like hot pepper sauce in the eyes except alot of it and it takes hrs to stop hurting even if you wash it with soap and water....My skin was on fire.

What makes cs gas worse is water.Once it dries and quits burning,you jump in the shower and it activates all over again.

LMAO, I know what your talking about, to carry a tazer in Missiouri as Law Enforcement, you have to take a hit from one, will for sure light your world up!!!!!!!!!!

Have you noticed how many people call a held held stun gun a taser?You actually have to get close enough to touch the prongs to a person with a stun gun whereas with the taser you point and fire like a pistol with the 2 wires and barbs hitting the person so no contact is needed.

In Missouri we carry both" and to carry them you have to take a hit, same with pepper spray

Well better you than me is all i can say.